One thing you learn the hard way is that wedding planning can be downright awful. You are forced to think about each of your friends and determine if they are "worthy" based on your budget and space restrictions. It is rarely fun, especially when who you spend the most time with may not be the people you are closest to and will be inviting to your big day. Figuring out who to invite brings up any past problems you've had with them, or guilt if you were part of their wedding but time has cooled your friendship.
Then add that we often have friends that our partners do not like at all or ex's we're still friends with and you can get into many heated arguments about who should be invited.
Particular mistakes made with friends include:
- Before you know your guest list, you may share the news in a way that makes them feel like they are going to be invited. Be very careful how you talk about the wedding with people who are not going to be invited. The more you share and invite them into your planning, the more they will expect they are likely invited.
- Promising ANYTHING right away is a bad idea. It's a good idea to wait to decide the wedding party until you've figured out the family side. If you have three future sister-in-laws you aren't close with, but who expect to be in your wedding, you do not want to have a massive wedding party because you promised your 6 closest friends a spot in the wedding party and are now stuck inviting 3 more.
- Splitting up groups of friends. Sometimes people come in bunches and it's best to invite all or none to your wedding, or to be in your wedding party. People are much more forgiving when an entire 'category' has not been invited than when you cherry pick individuals who know each other. It can leave a real bad taste in peoples mouths and create many hurt feelings.
- Ultimately, if budget, family size, location space all boil down to a very small wedding, remember that family comes first. Nobody will ever fault you for not inviting them if it is truly just a family affair. Nobody feels "owed" an invitation to your wedding unless you have opened the guest list to some friends and not others.
Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty. The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. Read Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.
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